Life could be worse, you could be an egg. You only get smashed once, laid once and the only bird that wil sit on your face is your mum.
My wife said there is nothing more depressing than being two stone overweight. She should try having a 3 inch cock.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says; "F*** off, you won't bring it back."
I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better. That shows a lack of ambition to me. Which is why men are better.
I always find the moments after sex to be a little bit awkward. I never know what to say. I find, “Sorry, how much was it again?” eases the situation.
A bear, a lion and a pig meet. Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear." Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me." Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet craps itself."
Walked up to a bird with massive tits in a bar last night, Bet her a quid I could touch her tits without her feeling anything. Proceeded to grab her tits, push them together & give them a cheeky motorboat too. Best ?1 i've ever spent
Q: why did the blondes belly button hurt? A: because her boyfriend was blonde too
Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on 'washing machine'. Later in bed that night the husband says, "Washing machine." His Wife replies, "Not tonight darling, I have a sore head." Half an hour... passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine." This time the husband replies, "Too late, it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand".
So a police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs." "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."