Jokes

[Zahid Ali]

The Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women

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---------- Post added at 08:46 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:45 AM ----------

Three Friends' Funerals

Three good friends were driving along on the highway one
Saturday: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV cut them off. In an attempt to miss the shiny big vehicle, the driver swerved to the left and hit the median. The car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly.

They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor asked the others, "Hey, what do you all want people to say at your funeral? I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients.'"

The teacher said, "I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say, 'He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'"

Then the lawyer said, "I'd like people to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
_________

[Zahid Ali]

Stoned Benchmarks:
Whetstone (floating-point)
Dhrystone (integer)
Dhampstone (integer and floating-point)
Rhealstone (real-time/tasking)
"IO-stone" (there is an IO benchmark that uses -stone, but I forget its name)
Suggestions for Stoned Benchmarks:

An animation benchmark might be called the "Flhintstone" :-).

To which many others responded:


RhollingStone |For benchmarking sound generation systems
Sahndstone |For benchmarking silicon (get it, sand) chips
Soahpstone |For measuring daytime cable tv usage
Flahgstone |For benchmarking boolean operations
WhatStone? |For statistical verification of psuedo random
|number generators
Rhosettastone |Natural language translation benchmark
Whystone |Asks the computer why bother a whole
|bunch of times
Wherestone |I dunno, turns the computer into a hairy stone
|if the moon is full? (groan)
Captain Blighstone |Does some sort of micro-mutiny
Sighstone |Relates performance time to how bored the
|operator is with doing benchmarks
Chrystone (crystone) |The operator is thoroughly bored now
Sthystones (Stystnes) |Show operator how messy insides of computer
|is in relation to its speed
Ehverybodymustgetstone |Tests the degree of nondeterminism in an
|instruction set
BhlarneyStone |For Benchmarking Vaporware!
Lhoadstone |Benchmark that is a lhoad of <insert favorite
|expletive here>
Firestone |Where your mileage may vary :-)
Khidneystone |Medical expert systems benchmark
Gallstone |For evaluating medical diagnostic expert systems
Yhellowstone |Simulates a "let-it-burn" policy on your
|computer's memory
Lhivingstone |Benchmark for anthropology in Africa
Hheadstone |Benchmarking of defunct processes.
Shlyandthefamilystone |Measures how "funky" your system is
WhatStone? |The benchmark for voice recognition systems !
Cherrystone |The number of novice roots users a machine can survive
BhlackStone |Used to benchmark magic tricks
Schissorspaperstone |A series of benchmarks that can be used to
|prove any machine architecture superior
|to any other
Mhilestone |How many design revisions, i.e. laps around the
|engineering department before the project collapses.
|[ ... or is that millstone ?]
GhallStones |Measures audacity of claims by system engineers
|or administrators or used-car salesmen
KhidneyStones |Measures rate at which you get pissed off by
|vendors or administrators or used-car salesmen
|(right now running at about 7 KS)
Shandstone |A benchmark of the raw electrical performance
|of the silicon used in the processor chips
Stihcks&stone |Benchmarks the number of bad things you can say
|about the operating system per second
Ehstone |How many Canadians, like, worked on the system, eh?
Thunderstone |Measures floating-point speed by simulation of
|falling meteors
Touchstone |Resolution test for touch/screen sensors
Standingstone |Benchmark by iterated astronomical calculations.
|Phase-of-moon dependent. Requires operator to
|wear animal skins.
Lhimestone |Extent to which purchase of system leaves sour taste
|in customer's mouth
Shoapstone |Measures how clean design is
Bhlarneystone |Rigorous test of Irish computing systems
Bhlackstone |Checks magic numbers of files
Ghallstone |Rigorous test of medical systems
Hharrystone |Tests whether an input voice pattern is Mel Torme's
Swhordinthestone |Finds the Once and Future computer architecture
Rhhinestone |Tests for cheap flashy computer architectures
Stonestone |Relative merit of smoke

[Sniper07]

Stone Cold Steve Austin and the bottom line is this

-------------------------------------

[Zahid Ali]

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.
14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.
8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

[Zahid Ali]

What is the difference between Talent and Problem?
Ans: 2 boys love 1 girl = Problem
1 boy love 2 girls = Talent

[Sniper07]

Oye that was my joke at planetcricket.net .

[Zahid Ali]

Sorry coping but i like that and do that nice joke.

[Abhishek]

What is a difference between an apple and an orange?
















Both dont taste like a banana.
LOLZZ.
It was a deadly PJ

[KunalSharma]

Life could be worse, you could be an egg. You only get smashed once, laid once and the only bird that wil sit on your face is your mum.


My wife said there is nothing more depressing than being two stone overweight. She should try having a 3 inch cock.


A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says; "F*** off, you won't bring it back."


I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better. That shows a lack of ambition to me. Which is why men are better.


I always find the moments after sex to be a little bit awkward. I never know what to say. I find, “Sorry, how much was it again?” eases the situation.


A bear, a lion and a pig meet. Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear." Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me." Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet craps itself."


Walked up to a bird with massive tits in a bar last night, Bet her a quid I could touch her tits without her feeling anything. Proceeded to grab her tits, push them together & give them a cheeky motorboat too. Best ?1 i've ever spent


Q: why did the blondes belly button hurt? A: because her boyfriend was blonde too


Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on 'washing machine'. Later in bed that night the husband says, "Washing machine." His Wife replies, "Not tonight darling, I have a sore head." Half an hour... passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine." This time the husband replies, "Too late, it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand".

So a police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs." "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."

[Sniper07]

How many Manchester City fans does it take to turn on a light?














None, they are happy living in United's shadow.