Jokes

[Duelmaster]

Tired..? Jump in here for some good, humorous jokes.

---------- Post added at 06:29 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:29 PM ----------

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

---------- Post added at 06:31 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:29 PM ----------

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.

"235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"

---------- Post added at 06:42 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:31 PM ----------

Clinton had heard a lot about Lalu Prasad Yadav & Bihar, so he wanted to meet Lalu Prasad Yadav. Lalu Prasad Yadav was a bit hesitant as did not know how to communicate in English. Bill Clinton communicated that Lalu Prasad Yadav should come to U.S.A. with no hesitation, he himself would
teach him English. So Lalu Prasad Yadav reached U.S.A. & was given a red carpet welcome & was taken to the White House straight away. Bill Clinton said that he alone would teach Lalu Prasad Yadav in a large conference room. Bill Clinton only would open the door when the lessons are over. So it
started. 1 hr. passed, 2,3,4,5.....hrs. passed; a day passed; two days passed, 3,4,5,6.....; weeks passed. What a sensation all over America; all decisions were pending; economy came to a standstill. Same here in India, specially in Bihar. On the 40th day of their lessons, Clinton opened the door & what a sight to see; all his clothes were torn, his face scratched, his otherwise very nicely done hair totally raised. People were surprised to see him. Lalu followed him with his ever glowing face. Then Clinton's Secretary came forward & asked Clinton-"Could you teach English to Lalu?
Guess what Clinton said:----Clinton replied,"Eee Lalua Sasura Hamri Ekahu Nahi Sunat Hai."

---------- Post added at 06:44 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:42 PM ----------

Rahul is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Rahul says "Yes". "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go
get a ladder."
The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours Rahul figured he was taken. On the next day Rahul is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him
to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
Rahul gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."

---------- Post added at 06:45 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:44 PM ----------

Girl : Do you love me ?
Boy : Yes Dear
Girl : Would you die for me ?
Boy : No, mine is undying love

---------- Post added at 06:46 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:45 PM ----------

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the
window
2nd thief: But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions .

---------- Post added at 06:46 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:46 PM ----------

The Sardarni asked her lover, Santa Singh "Santa Darling if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"
"Sure" replied Santa "What's your phone number?"

--No offence--

---------- Post added at 06:47 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:46 PM ----------

Banta Singh went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked,
"Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"
"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"
"Oh! How nice it would be ," said Banta with joy,"I have been illiterate for so long."

[shalin_hitter]

looks like you are the only poster here!

[Zahid Ali]

The Keen Texas Salesman

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.

"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.

"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day.

"I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

"One," said the lad.

"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?!?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.

"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22- foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."

"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.

"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "
__________________

---------- Post added at 10:57 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:56 PM ----------

My contribution ??? Euh... here it is !!!


---------- Post added at 10:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:57 PM ----------

[/color]12 Things You Should Never Say When Pulled Over

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
__________________

[Sniper07]

Good jokes, but Duel Master the fourth joke from top, remove it mate, this isnt the place to talk about it, I mean media are allowed but common people aren't. I think you get my point.

[shalin_hitter]

The first joke in the second post is just awesome.

[Stumped]

Testing some smileys

[Zahid Ali]

Wall Street Journal, about the Dutch firm that has been hired to manage the International Arrivals Building at New York's John F. Kennedy Airport:
The tile under the urinals in the Arrivals Building has that familiar lemony tinge; rubber soles stick to it. Over in Amsterdam, the tile under Schiphol's urinals would pass inspection in an operating room. But nobody notices. What everybody does notice is that each urinal has a fly in it. Look harder, and the fly turns into the black outline of a fly, etched into the porcelain.
"It improves the aim," says Aad Kieboom. "If a man sees a fly, he aims at it." Mr. Kieboom, an economist, directs Schiphol's own building expansion. His staff conducted fly-in-urinal trials and found that etchings reduce spillage by 80%. The Dutch will transfer the technology to New York.
"We will put flies in the urinals yes," Jan Jansen says in a back office at the Arrivals Building. He is the new Dutch general manager, the boss as of noon today. "It gives a guy something to think about. That's the perfect example of process control."
But a spokesperson for Rudy Guiliani, Mayor of New York, was heard to say, "What do we need with Dutch flies when we have more than enough roaches to piss on?"

[Funknath]

1st Time Introducing an Intelligent Sardar.
Sardar:- What is the cost of this Banana?
Salesman:- Rs. 1
Sardar:- Will you give it to me for 60p?
Salesman:- I will only give you the skin !
Sardar:- Take 40p and give me the banana.

[Zahid Ali]

Originally Posted by Funknath

1st Time Introducing an Intelligent Sardar.
Sardar:- What is the cost of this Banana?
Salesman:- Rs. 1
Sardar:- Will you give it to me for 60p?
Salesman:- I will only give you the skin !
Sardar:- Take 40p and give me the banana.

Great joke dude

---------- Post added at 02:24 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:20 PM ----------

Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing. The report said, "DELIVERED".

---------- Post added at 02:25 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:24 PM ----------

A Sardarji and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Sardarji, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa." Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5,and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the Sardarji's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The American asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Sardarji doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet,pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "your turn".

He asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer & searches all his preferences........no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the Sardarji and hands him $500. The Sardarji thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The American, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardarji and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the Sardarji reaches into his purse,hands the american $5,and goes back to sleep.

---------- Post added at 02:28 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:25 PM ----------

A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard Iqbal stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?'

'Sand,' answered the Sardarji.

Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.'

Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?' 'Sand,' says the Sardarji.

Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, the Sardarji doesn't show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a 'Dhaba' in Islamabad.

'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?'

The Sardaji, sips his Lassi and says, 'Bikes'

---------- Post added at 02:29 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:28 PM ----------

A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard Iqbal stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?'

'Sand,' answered the Sardarji.

Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.'

Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?' 'Sand,' says the Sardarji.

Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.







Two Sardarjis, both student of I.I.T, Kanpur, were talking about the American Astronauts.

One said to the other, "What's the big deal about going to the moon-anybody can go to the moon. We are sardars we will go direct to the sun."

"But if we get within 13 million miles from the sun, we'll melt."

And the first answered, "So what, we'll go at night."
Finally, the Sardarji doesn't show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a 'Dhaba' in Islamabad.

'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?'

The Sardaji, sips his Lassi and says, 'Bikes'

[Zahid Ali]

Come on post jokes

---------- Post added at 10:35 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:24 PM ----------

Seen While Driving Today . . .
I saw this truck while stopped at a light today while on my way to pick up Riley from school.

In case you can't read it, it is a portable toilet pumper truck with a big sticker that says:

"CAUTION: This vehicle is full of political promises".

I loved it!!!